Two thousand and sixteen is the year I once desperately wished for; I practically willed myself to be here. Five years ago I sat in my house crying after watching not only my brother but my friend Sonya being placed into the ground mere weeks apart. It was then that I plucked some abstract date from the air and clung to it for comfort. This year was supposed to be the “miracle year” – it held, in my state of loss and despair, hope. I sat in my living room and imagined myself on a day in 2016 far removed from heartache.
Sometimes I feel my heart is breaking
But I stay strong, and I hold on cause I know
I will see you again, whoa
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, yeah, yeah
Time has taught me many lessons since that cold January day in 2011. One being that pain and loss are a lot like laundry. You can do your best to wash your clothes; you can do your best to get them pearl white; however, there will always be tiny pieces of the past that embed themselves within the fabric; naked to the eye but now a permanent part of the material. The pain of losing my brother still lingers five years later; as it turns out, 2016 held no special powers; while everything is different without him, somehow life is still the same as it was on that winter day in January when I clung to the hope of the future. I’ve also learned that there isn’t a magical earthly date when the pain of loss disappears entirely. I think this is because only the Lord can truly wash clean the pain of yesteryears and that doesn’t happen this side of Glory.
So to you my brother, my first friend, I say: ‘Till I see you again.
Til I see you again, whoa
‘Til I see you again,
Said goodbye turned around
And you were gone, gone, gone.
See You Again lyrics were written by Underwood, Hillary Lindsey, and David Hodges.